Explaination Post

The below was originally posted on my BigBlog site. It will help make sense of a bunch of things I will be writing over the next few weeks... months... years (oh god not years!! PLEASE not years!!).

Original post date: 13 November 2006

Back in 1998, not long after I celebrated my 21st birthday, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Prior to the diagnosis, I knew exactly what was wrong. I was in the middle of taking Neuroscience and Pharmacology as part of my bachelor of Science, but even though I knew, I was in denial.

Going to the doctors was the hardest thing I had ever done. I knew what he was going to say but I didn't want to hear it. However, when he did say it, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. He gave me some literature and a video to watch on taking antidepressants and told me to make an informed choice about whether or not I wanted to start taking them.

The next day I went back to him and got the script.

In a period of 2 weeks I went from not being able to get out of bed and crying all day to being able to drag my sorry butt into uni and spend 8 hours a day in the library trying to catch up on all the lectures and tutes I had missed in preparation for end of semester exams that were only a week or so away.

Aropax. My miracle drug. The drug that calmed my anxiety, stopped the tears, and allowed me to focus enough to pass all my exams. I even pulled off a distinction in Clinical Biochemistry. Yay me!

Fast forward 8 and a half years and we have me today...

After being on Aropax for so long and having my dosage upped from the original 20mg, then to 30mg and finally 40mg, the damn thing has stopped working. A couple of weeks ago the anxiety and panic attacks got to the point where I couldn't sleep because I couldn't slow my brain down. I thought about anything and everything until I was in a constant state of panic.

I went to see my new doctor (I dumped my old ones because I was sick of them seeing me more as a money making machine other than a patient who really needed help) and he suggested I come off the Aropax and try a new drug - Dothep.

The problem with antidepressants is that you can't just stop taking them. You have to gradually come off them. My doc suggested I reduce the dosage over a period of a few days and then start the new drug. I decided that Iwould take about a week to come off them... a few days seemed a little extreme.

Last week I came off the Aropax completely and I suffered severe withdrawal effects - dizziness, vertigo, extreme emotional changes, vomiting and diarrhea. It got so bad that the doc had to put me back on the Aropax - just 10mg a day. It helped.

But today I have come off them again. I am scared about this. I have no idea how bad the withdrawal is going to be this time around. I am pretty much house-bound, and there is no way I can drive because the vertigo and dizziness make it impossible to concentrate. My poor car hasn't been driven in over a week. I need to find someone to take it out for a 10 minute drive just to get the oil pumping again. I would ask my mother but seeing as she hasn't driven a manual in over 20 years I fear for the safety of Mickey (my car - Mickey the Mighty Accord!!).

It sucks. And I am bored! And anxious. I actually told my mother the other day that I wanted to be put into a medically induced coma for the next month or so while my body gets used to the fact that it isn't getting the Aropax any more. She looked at me as if I were insane.

So wish me luck. My fingers are crossed that the withdrawal won't be as severe this time and in a week or so I'll be able to go out again.

There is only so much day time TV one can safely watch before wanting to scream.