Saturday, 25 November 2006

It's Gotta Be Blond!

I found 2 grey hairs yesterday morning.

Not even 30 and it's started.

The first one glistened in the sun streaming in through the bathroom mirror. I promptly pulled the bugger out.

The second one... well, find that one was just desserts for actually looking for more. Silly me.

I've stopped looking. I know they are there. I know how to fix the problem...

Cut and Colour! :)

Monday, 20 November 2006

If That's Not Enough...

Went to the docs today. Turns out that on top of the highly strung emotional bi-polar thing I have going on at the moment, I also have a bloody sinus infection. Joy. Just thinking about pressing under my left eye makes me cringe with pain.

I've been pretty lucky though. This is the first sinus infection I have had since I left work. This tells me that work is most definitely bad for your health. You go to work healthy, share an office with 50 odd other people, they get sick, the nasty bugs travel around via the air con, and then you get sick.

They give you 8 sick days per year. Considering the workplace is a cesspool of bacteria and other stuff, it should be unlimited sick leave.

I know for a fact that I wasn't the only one who used up annual leave when sick because all my sick days had long been used up.

Couldn't tell you where I got this infection from considering I haven't really left the house in the past week. But seeing as my immune system is crap, anyone who is sick only has to look in my general direction and I catch something.

I also asked the doc about the out of character mood swings and he said that it was all normal and would get better as my body gets used to the fact it isn't getting Aropax any more.

People... if you are depressed and your doc wants to put you on Aropax - DON'T DO IT. The drug is amazing and it works well but it is the hardest antidepressant to come off of. Apparently has the highest rate of suicide during the withdrawal period out of all the antidepressants.

They are EVIL! EVIL I tells ya!

Sunday, 19 November 2006

Big Elastic Band

So anyway, the withdrawal from the Aropax hasn't been nearly as bad as it was over a week ago but I have turned into the Evil Bitch From Hell.

Unfortunately my mother, brother and his girlfriend experienced the bitch in me yesterday. It was very embarrassing but I just couldn't hold back. Thankfully my anger wasn't directed at them... it was directed at someone else who shall remain nameless. This person is unfortunately going to be spending Christmas with the family. I would rather never see this person again for what they put mother and myself through this year. Mum wants me to play nice. I told her I didn't think it would be possible. Unfortunately telling her I didn't think it was possible involved me yelling, screaming, crying like a girl, and leaving the room in a huff. I really wanted to put my fist through the wall.

It is so not like me to be like this. I have all this pent up anger and I have no idea if it is a result of going off one antidepressant and onto another, or if I have always been like this but the Aropax has dulled it down. It's scary!

I keep trying the whole 'count to 10' thing to calm down but alas it doesn't work. I feel like a big elastic band has been wound up in side me and very soon it is going to get a point where it can't be wound any more and BANG I let loose.

I pity whoever gets in my way if and when this happens.

On a brighter note, I got in the car yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks and went for a drive. It felt good. I am no longer house-bound. I had to go to Maccas for McHappy Day and get me a big mac (any excuse!).

Explaination Post

The below was originally posted on my BigBlog site. It will help make sense of a bunch of things I will be writing over the next few weeks... months... years (oh god not years!! PLEASE not years!!).

Original post date: 13 November 2006

Back in 1998, not long after I celebrated my 21st birthday, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Prior to the diagnosis, I knew exactly what was wrong. I was in the middle of taking Neuroscience and Pharmacology as part of my bachelor of Science, but even though I knew, I was in denial.

Going to the doctors was the hardest thing I had ever done. I knew what he was going to say but I didn't want to hear it. However, when he did say it, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. He gave me some literature and a video to watch on taking antidepressants and told me to make an informed choice about whether or not I wanted to start taking them.

The next day I went back to him and got the script.

In a period of 2 weeks I went from not being able to get out of bed and crying all day to being able to drag my sorry butt into uni and spend 8 hours a day in the library trying to catch up on all the lectures and tutes I had missed in preparation for end of semester exams that were only a week or so away.

Aropax. My miracle drug. The drug that calmed my anxiety, stopped the tears, and allowed me to focus enough to pass all my exams. I even pulled off a distinction in Clinical Biochemistry. Yay me!

Fast forward 8 and a half years and we have me today...

After being on Aropax for so long and having my dosage upped from the original 20mg, then to 30mg and finally 40mg, the damn thing has stopped working. A couple of weeks ago the anxiety and panic attacks got to the point where I couldn't sleep because I couldn't slow my brain down. I thought about anything and everything until I was in a constant state of panic.

I went to see my new doctor (I dumped my old ones because I was sick of them seeing me more as a money making machine other than a patient who really needed help) and he suggested I come off the Aropax and try a new drug - Dothep.

The problem with antidepressants is that you can't just stop taking them. You have to gradually come off them. My doc suggested I reduce the dosage over a period of a few days and then start the new drug. I decided that Iwould take about a week to come off them... a few days seemed a little extreme.

Last week I came off the Aropax completely and I suffered severe withdrawal effects - dizziness, vertigo, extreme emotional changes, vomiting and diarrhea. It got so bad that the doc had to put me back on the Aropax - just 10mg a day. It helped.

But today I have come off them again. I am scared about this. I have no idea how bad the withdrawal is going to be this time around. I am pretty much house-bound, and there is no way I can drive because the vertigo and dizziness make it impossible to concentrate. My poor car hasn't been driven in over a week. I need to find someone to take it out for a 10 minute drive just to get the oil pumping again. I would ask my mother but seeing as she hasn't driven a manual in over 20 years I fear for the safety of Mickey (my car - Mickey the Mighty Accord!!).

It sucks. And I am bored! And anxious. I actually told my mother the other day that I wanted to be put into a medically induced coma for the next month or so while my body gets used to the fact that it isn't getting the Aropax any more. She looked at me as if I were insane.

So wish me luck. My fingers are crossed that the withdrawal won't be as severe this time and in a week or so I'll be able to go out again.

There is only so much day time TV one can safely watch before wanting to scream.

Thursday, 16 November 2006

Dear Santa

Yes, I know I haven't written to you since I was a little girl, but this year I could really use your help.

All I want for Christmas is $20,000.

Now before you have a heart attack and have to find a celebrity to deliver all the presents on Christmas Eve (I assume this is what happens because you do it in the movies...), I have very good reasons for asking for this much. Actually, when you think about it, $20,000 isn't a lot of money... you know you have gotten old when you can say that!

The money would be spent as follows:

Debt: I would be able to pay off all my debts. I don't have a lot of debt but I would like it to go away. I will be able to pay off my car and the evil credit card. $4,000 would pay these off nicely.

University: A few weeks ago I received a letter from the Australian Catholic University offering me a position in their Graduate Diploma of Education (Secondary)/Graduate Certificate of Religious Education for 2007. I have been granted a Commonwealth Funded Position (YAY!) and I will defer any additional payments via HECS HELP until I am working as a teacher, but there will be other costs, mainly additional fees, textbooks, petrol to get to and from uni and to and from practicals located at different schools in Canberra, etc etc. I can't put a figure on how much this will cost but we'll allocate $7,000, and any left over I'll use as upfront payments so I don't have to pay as much interest with the HECS HELP deferred payments.

Computer: The machine I am sitting at writing this letter was bought over 5 years ago. It is old, clunky, and shits itself at the thought of having to run a program that uses a lot of processor power. A new computer (I am contemplating a notebook rather than a desktop) will help me with my studies (and allow me to run programs without it having a fit). We'll allocate $3,000 for this.

Holiday: I haven't had a holiday in over a year. All I want is to go to Brisbane and spend some time with my friends up there. We'll allocate $1,500 for this and it will cover airfares and other spending. I'd only be gone for 2 weeks at the most.

There is $4,500 left. This will be used on miscellaneous stuff. You see, I've had a crap year. I won't go into detail but it involved 2 breakdowns which have left me unable to work. I get a bit of money from the government but after the salary I was previously on, it's not enough to wipe your arse with. So the additional $4,500 will just help suppliment that.

So what do you think? Can you help me out Santa? You know where to find me if you can. I'll even leave out milk and cookies!


Another New Blog

I started a new blog only the other day over at BigBlog but after a few days of stuffing around with it, I decided that it sucked. Yes it has some good features, but as someone who has spent a fair amount of time over the past 8 years doing webpage design, having absolutely no creative control over how the page displays, I easily got jack of it.

So here it is. This one (fingers crossed) is here to stay.